Stages

(picture taken in February...around 18 or 19 weeks)

This is one of those posts that's been circling around in my head for quite some time. It started the day before Mother's Day as I lay thinking of my role as a mother and the many stages I have been blessed to experience.

This Mother's Day my doctor came in to check on me (I was still the hospital) and he said to me "This will probably be the only Mother's Day when you're trying really hard to not become a mother." (He was meaning, of course, that we were doing everything possible to keep this baby cooking for a lot longer.) When he said that it reminded me of the Mother's Day that came just 5 days after loosing our first baby. I remember feeling lost between worlds. Was I a mother or wasn't I? I was no longer planning for the months ahead, but I had still carried life within me. I had seen the heart beating and I had loved and longed for that sweet little baby. I was a mother, but I was a mother without a baby.

That is the first type of "mom" I experienced. Since that time I have been a new mom, working mom, single mom, school-widow mom, stay-at-home mom, soccer mom, and a bed-ridden mom. Each stage of mom-hood that I've experienced has had it's challenges and it's rewards. I wouldn't change any of them. Honestly. They have made me who I am and in a lot of ways helped me appreciate my role as a mother.

This pregnancy has not been typical in many ways. I never would have imagined that this would be our journey, that we would spend so much time in bed, in the hospital, dependent on everyone around us, worried about the unknown. Nor could I have ever imagined being grateful for every single day that we have, so aware of the prayers on our behalf, for the love that we have felt from so many, and the hope we have in the future.

I was talking to someone recently and my current situation became the topic of conversation. She mentioned how hard it must be to be down for so long, and then quickly added, "but I guess you don't really have a choice, do you?" There wasn't a moment's hesitation before I told her that I did have a choice. True, I have been told by my doctors, my husband, my kids, my family that I need to stay down, but there is nothing stopping me physically. I am not restrained...not yet anyway...but I am choosing to stay down in order to give our little girl every opportunity that I can.

There are so many that have been blessed with easy pregnancies. They decide they want to have a baby and without any trouble at all find out they are pregnant. Some never have a moment of morning/day/night sickness. Most have very uneventful pregnancies and the only complaints they have are that it's a long 9 months, they feel fat, tired, can't sleep or see their feet, and ache all over. During the whole process, as hard as it may be, I know that most women out there would gladly take the sickness, the weight gain, the aches and the pains for a healthy baby.

With every trial, with every experience in life, how we handle what we have been given is the ultimate test. We always have a choice. We can either let the experience make us bitter or we can let it make us better. There's only a small difference between being BITTER or BETTER, but it's our choice.

I love being a mom. I love that I have experienced so many different types of mom-hood. I don't know that I would appreciate being a stay-at-home mom as much if I hadn't experienced being a full-time working mom. I also know that being a mom without a baby, and now being a mom fighting to keep her baby, has made me so very aware and appreciative of the miracle of having children.

I'm choosing this...choosing the bed rest, and the missed soccer games, and watching life from the couch...I'm choosing this because I love my little girl and I want to give her everything I can.

And I know that even when people say "I couldn't spend 3+ months in bed"...they really could, and so many would do, and have done, that and so much more for their child.

An Abundance of Time

What would you do with an abundance of time...like 12 weeks worth?

Here's what I've spent much of my time doing...

Reading Books:
The Star Garden
Sarah's Quilt
Les Miserables
The List
The Forgotten Garden
The Princess Academy
All Moms Go to Heaven
All These Things Will Give You Experience
What to Expect When You're Expecting
The Ensign
Book of Mormon

Watching:
All 7 seasons of Gilmore Girls (approx. 168 40-min episodes)..thank you, Ruth!
All 6 seasons of LOST (121 40-min episodes)...thank you, Netflix!
Little Dorrit (14 episodes lasting a total of 8 hrs)...thank you, Heidi!
Countless movies...thank you, Kayla!

I found a fun little website that lets you give yourself a make-over. It's hours of fun...and gives you lots of ideas on how you would look with different hair styles/colors. There are 268 different styles to choose from and 15 different hair colors.



Fake eye-lashes...who knew they could be so fun?!?!
(The picture was taken long before my pregnancy face took over. These pictures are hopes of good things to come...)

Reddish hair with or without bangs...

Can you picture me as a blond? My younger sister's hair is this color. You can also try on different styles of sunglasses :)

My natural hair color with shoulder length hair...

More shoulder length hair, different styles...

I don't think I pull off short....the first picture looks a lot like my youngest sister, but she's a lot cuter!

A lighter brown with a little bit of auburn in it...curly and straight.

Seriously, it is lots of fun and before you know it hours have gone by! Now that I found lots of different hair styles, some of which you'll never see on me, all I need is to hire someone to come and do it for me every day so that it will actually look like the picture :)

Wanna give it a try? Go to http://www.taaz.com/ and have fun! There are some crazy hair styles from Afros to Lady Gaga, but the majority are run-of-the-mill. Try it...it's quite a riot!!

I think the things I miss doing the most are, obviously, going places with my family. I missed all of Jaxon's spring soccer games, and he has his first baseball game tonight. I'm hoping to see at least one before he's done. It will be nice to be able to do things for my family and others again instead of having everything done for me. Besides the basic things that most people would miss, the 2 things that I am most excited to do again are vacuuming and playing the piano!

Take a good look....

...at room 504. The holes in the wall between the clock and the tv have driven me crazy since I got here and just about daily my doc asks if I want to re-wallpaper yet, the answer is always yes.

The clock on the wall that tells me when it's time to order my next meal or if it's late enough to finally go to sleep.

The lovely nurses desk with the ultrasounds goop and monitors for my daily non-stress test. Little Princess didn't cooperate with most of the nurses and made them earn their pay finding her heartbeat. It makes up for how easy of a patient I was :)

My beautiful compression socks to keep the blood clots away.

My connection to the outside world....and to all my friends LOST on an island. Jack, Kate, Sawyer and the gang have been wonderful company.Pretty flowers and sweet cards from my biggest fan club and support system.


My view to the outside world....and the chair that when occupied made me a very happy girl.

Cuisine on Call...dial 3663 (FOOD) and leave your name and room number. Some meals are better than others, but after 14 days even the good meals are getting old.

My jacket hanging by the door reminding me that Tuesday, May 3rd was a cold and rainy day. It beckons me to put it on and walk out of that door.

This is the face of a girl that just got some of the best news ever....

She's not going to say goodnight on the phone and blow kisses that no one can see, and she'll be in there for family prayers and watch them wrestle and eat their breakfast, and it won't be in room 504.

Yes, take a good look at room 504 because I sure hope I never see this room again!

Tonight I'm going home!!!

Sweet baby girl is no longer breech so I can continue my bed rest at home. :)

Weekend Warriors

I don't get it. Monday-Friday my nurses don't come in until at least 8 AM...sometimes later. They give me my vitamins, check my temp and blood pressure, and then say to call them when I'm done with breakfast for my non-stress test (NST) on the baby. I then call in my breakfast order, watch a little morning news, eat breakfast, and then call the nurse for NST. After that, there isn't anything the nurses need to do with me. They will come in and change my sheets while I shower, remove my food tray after meals, and keep my water filled. I'm a very easy patient.

So, why is it that on weekends the nurses come in between 6:30 and 7? Today I woke up to my nurse grabbing my arm to scan my hospital ID tag for my vitamins. Scared me half to death! As I'm rubbing my eyes to better see what in the world is going on, she takes my temp, then my blood pressure, hands me all my vitamins and says that I can take them now or wait until I get my breakfast. She then goes through her list of questions (pain, bleeding, etc). After she's done, and I'm wide awake, she whispers at the door "Go back to sleep, sweetie, it's still pretty early." Yeah, ya think?

I won't lie and say that I am an early riser. I really do enjoy my sleep. However, before if I got up at the crack of dawn there would be plenty of things to fill my time before it was time to sleep again. In the past 10 1/2 weeks there isn't much to do to fill my time. Honestly, I would rather sleep in as late as possible just to make the day go by a little bit quicker.

So instead, I'm wide awake lying in bed, waiting for my breakfast, and wondering if it's too early to start watching LOST. It's a good thing my nurse is super sweet or else there may have been a greater possibility of me growling at her this morning!

Oh, Happy Day!

• 24.5 pounds


• some tests are being ordered to rule out potential factors for his small size (thyroid,etc)


• referral to a nutritionist to hopefully get some ideas on putting some meat on his bones


• milk allergy levels down by half...still moderately high


• egg allergy level also down by half...moderately low


• peanut allergy came back negative!


• food challenge scheduled for peanuts to absolutely rule out an allergy


• all signs are indicating that he will out grow all of his allergies!

Since babies born via c-section are at a greater risk for food allergies (Ryker was c-section) I will be starting pro-biotics to give our baby a better chance at avoiding them. She will also be on pro-biotics for the first little bit as well.

The only thing that will make this day better is when my little men and my big guy come walking through my door....happy day indeed!

Tuesday

30 weeks 3 days

There was a chance, as slight as it might have been, that I would get to go home today. My OB was hopeful, therefore I was excited and hopeful that I would get to go home. I miss home. Today was my weekly perinatology appt. It was a doctor I had never seen before and I really didn't care for her. Nothing against her, it's just nice knowing that the same people are following my weekly progression, they know my history, and they know me. Instead she kept her nose in my chart, looking at the images like they were alien, and treated me like a task to be checked off her list. Bah. I sure hope my regular guys are there next week...

So here's the latest:

• baby girl weighs about 3 pounds 14 ounces...yea!


• she's measuring 4 days bigger than normal


• she is still breech...with feet on the stitch


• cervical length is still super short (about 6mm)


• the cerclage is still holding, but not very tightly


• it's still a girl...phew!


• I'll be living in room 504 until further notice


• I finally have more weeks behind me than I do ahead of me. 10 weeks down, 9 to go!

Doctor L (my OB) comes daily to check on me. Today he was so sweet. He has been so sympathetic and today he was really concerned about all the stress being in the hospital has put on me, my family, friends, everyone who has picked up the slack and taken care of us. He knows how hard it is to be stuck in the same room day after day after day and he felt really bad that I am in this situation. I reassured him that I am okay being here. It's not easy at times, and it's definitely not how I would have planned it, but I know that it is for the best. Both Brian and I are willing to do whatever it takes to help this baby girl grow as much as possible. Many things are out of our hands, but what we can do, we will do. It's a small price to pay.

So, baby girl is growing. She is healthy and getting stronger and we are so grateful for every day that she keeps cookin!

Happy Birthday!

Both Ryker and I celebrated our birthdays in April...and what celebrations they were!

The boys got me this beautiful balloon bouquet and a gift card for my Nook. Brian got me a camcorder, and I had lots of family and friends make my birthday in bed one that I will never forget. It was a great day and I am so thankful to everyone who made it special.Brian and the boys wrestling after the birthday celebration. This is a nightly occurrence. Can you see Jaxon's feet under Brian's neck? It's serious wrestling and they love it!

Brian always makes birthdays special and fun at our house. The night before Ryker's 3rd birthday, he decorated the house with streamers, balloons, and Curious George decor while I laid on the couch and watched him. Believe me. It's harder to sit there and watch than it is to help!The house looked amazing and Ryker was so excited when he walked out of his room the morning of his birthday.

I had the camcorder going while Ryker opened presents, so there aren't many pictures. Here he is opening a movie....Scooby Doo I believe.
Jaxon is showing us Ryker's Power Rangers. Ryker may not look excited (he must be opening up another present) but he loved them. He is very into Power Rangers and other super heros right now. He also got a club house for his birthday. The weekends have either been super busy or cold and rainy so Brian hasn't had a chance to build it yet. Once it's up I will have Brian take a picture.

Ryker is such a fun little guy. He is very determined and knows exactly what he wants. He likes bananas cut up in coins, served in a bowl, and eats them with a toothpick. Knowing what he wants helps to diffuse potential melt downs. He loves Jaxon and they play so well together. They also get on each other's nerves really well :) He is still our super tiny guy...weighing only 24 pounds. What he lacks in size he makes up for in sweetness and spunk.

It's hard to image that it's been three years since he joined our family. We love him and all he brings to our lives.

Super Man

On the last day of Jaxon's spring break, Brian took the day off and took the boys down to Thanksgiving Point to see the dinosaur museum.

For my benefit, and per my request, Brian took the camera along to document some of the things they saw and did.

There were lots of dinosaur bones on exhibit.

What's an exhibit of bones with cute boys to stand with them?


There was a water table where Ryker found pure enjoyment...

and dinosaur bones to excavate.

If you know Jaxon, you know that he LOVES dinosaurs.

After Thanksgiving Point the boys took a trip to Cabella's (but didn't take the camera inside) and again loved every minute of it. I think Cabella's was the highlight of Brian's trip and I'm glad he was able to share it with his boys. On the way home they stopped and bought Jaxon some much needed clothing replacements, got haircuts, and rented a movie. It ended up being the perfect ending to an otherwise rainy and uneventful spring break.

I've always known that I married a super guy, but the past ten weeks of bed rest have made me so much more thankful for him and all that he has done and continues to do for our family. He works close to 50 hours a week, does laundry, cleans the house, takes care of the yard, takes the boys on adventures on the weekend, makes dinner, helps Jaxon with homework, blow dries my hair, keeps me happy, visits me daily, gives me my shots, puts the boys to bed at night, gets up with Ryker in the middle of the night....and has never complained and does it all with a smile and with a willing heart. He is determined to do all he can so that his little princess can have all she needs.

He's my Super Man. And I love him.

What's Up Doc?

Since being admitted last Tuesday I've had some time on my hands to do a little research on my current situation. My doc actually drew me a picture explaining things last week, but without the ability to scan the pic and my inability to adequately explain the picture in words, I had to wait until I found something I could use.

"T represents closed cervix uneffaced. As progressive effacement takes place, the internal os becomes as Y and then V formation occur. As the cervix opens, and membranes are exposed through the internal os into vagina, a character “U” appears." http://www.thebiomedicapk.com/articles/133.pdf
http://www.sonoworld.com/fetus/page.aspx?id=274

I am the U picture....but instead picture two little feet at the bottom. The cerclage is a circular stitch that is holding the cervix closed....much like if you tied a knot in a balloon. So, I'm not dilated, because the stitch is still intact, but I am much more open, as you can see in the picture. The complications with being a U is stated below:

"Rust and colleagues worked on shortened cervix, and they concluded that funnelling as “U” shape of the internal os is a significant risk factor for adverse perinatal outcome, including preterm birth, chorioamnionitis, rupture of membrane and serious neonatal morbidity." http://www.thebiomedicapk.com/articles/133.pdf

For me the biggest risks are preterm birth, rupture of membrane, and because she is footling breech, a prolapsed cord if my water does break. I don't know what chorioamnionitis is. At 30 weeks there is a very low risk of neonatal morbidity. Still a very long stay in the NICU, but few long term complications. Still, we are hoping for at least 6 more weeks...10 weeks till my due date, but I'll take what I can get!

Tomorrow I get to leave my room (yea!) and go see the perinatologist down the hall. They will do another ultrasound and decide whether or not I need to continue bed rest in the hospital or if I can go home and continue bed rest there. If she turns there is a better chance of me being sent home because even if my water breaks, her head will stop the cord from prolapsing, which is the greatest danger at this point. From what I can tell, I don't think she's turned...but the day is still young :)

Tonight I plan on doing some non baby updates and tomorrow I will update on whether or not room 504 will continue to be my home...I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up hope either!

A New View

Tuesday means a visit to the perinatologist and progesterone shot.

This Tuesday was different in a couple of different aspects.

1)We (my mom and I) brought the boys along for the appointment. You would think after 9 weeks of being dependent on other people for nearly everything I wouldn't mind asking for help. I can't drive myself to the appointments because I have lay down in the car, and well, I never learned to drive gangsta style. Another reason is because I need someone there to push me in my stylin wheelchair. I'm doing better at manuevering myself with my wheels, but it's a lot easier to get through doors with assistance. Anyhow, I didn't want to bother anyone with driving me and I figured the boys would be just fine in tow.

2)I didn't get my usual exam room #3. That is the posh room with it's own bathroom. I've been spoiled the last few weeks and I didn't realize how nice it was until I didn't get that room today. That should have been my first warning that things weren't going to go as I had hoped.

3)Dr. B has always been very non-emotional when it comes to reading my ultra-sounds. Even when the cervical length dropped to 5mm, he was very matter of fact, told me to continue to stay down, but didn't fill me with dread. Today the ultra-sound took longer than it usually does and he stayed pretty quiet during the entire thing. When he finished, he sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and with a super somber expression tried his best to explain what was going on. This is the point where you would expect me to explain to you what is going on, but really I have no idea. What I do know is that it wasn't good. He called Dr. L, my OB, and together they decided that the best thing for me and this baby would be to take up a new place of residence.
I didn't put up a fight. I suspected this day would come eventually, and at least now I can sleep (hopefully) without worrying about whether or not the pressure/pain I am feeling at the moment warrants a trip to Labor and Delivery.

4)I didn't go home. In fact, I won't be going home any time soon. Jaxon started sobbing when they wheeled me out to the waiting room to tell them I would be staying in the hospital. He is so tender-hearted. This whole ordeal has been tough, but in no time at all it will all be a memory. Ryker just ran to the door yelling "Bye Mom!" After all, he had his Ninja Turtles :) Brian was already here doing surgery so he stopped in between cases and brought me goodies from the doctor's lounge. He also brought me the laptop and the final season of Gilmore Girls tonight, so at least I can stay connected to all the truly important things, right? Dr. B said that if baby girl flips around so she is head down he would send me home. She hasn't changed positions (except for the fact that both feet are way down where they shouldn't be) in the last 9 weeks. Dr. L, however, told my nurse that I would be here until I deliver. So, we're hoping to be here at least another 6 weeks...

I was in my first room for about 30 minutes. It was the "bring your own chair" room. Apparently they were short on rooms. Soon they found my current room...complete with a sofa, two chairs, and rocking chair, oh, and of course my bed and a slue of other gadgets. I have a great view of the trees on the south side of the hospital. It really is pretty. Unfortunately, as soon as one of the long term rooms become available I will be moved in there. They say the beds are softer, but the rooms are smaller.

So, here I am in my new home away from home, really missing my home and the people that go with it. Missing it, but determined to make the best of it. It's not terminal, it's temporary.