Halloween

Better late than never, right?Two awesome ninjas and a cuddly little caterpillar. Ryker loved posing for pictures in my parents tree! He kept telling me "Do one more, mom!"
Everyone in my family that dressed up this year minus Uncle Marc, who hadn't gotten off work yet, and Kayla and Josh, whose costumes were too scary for little children to see :)

Finally, a real Taylee smile caught on camera! Oh, she's a cute little bug!!

We took the kids to Black Island Farms this year...for the first time. We're a little slow! The boys loved it! This might become a family tradition.

Mom and Taylee with their pumpkins.

The boys on the big slide.

My little Punkins!



We also took the kids to the Dinosaur Park for their Haunted Halloween. It was a blast! They had a few different Trick-or-Treat stations. Some had candy, others had little trinkets, one handed out bags of microwave popcorn, and one had little pie samples.

The whole park was decked out and it was really fun!

Funny story explaining this picture: I told the boys to stop for a quick picture and Ryker wouldn't stand next to Jaxon...he was in mood. So I said (to Brian) "Will you just stand by him?!?" This girl who was walking by said "Sure!" and went over and put her hat on Jaxon's head, put her arm around him, and smiled for the picture. I didn't know what to do so I just took the picture and told her thanks. It was hilarious! Brian and the boys sans the stranger girl!

There aren't any pictures of the boys Trick-or-Treating, but they had a great time. We did about 5 streets, had way too much candy, and loved every minute of it!

Mole Hills, Mountains, and a Grand View

Everyone has trials. Everyone has a hill to climb. Sometimes I take mole hills (the fear of potty training Ryker, getting the boys to clean the toy room, Christmas gift woes, a laundry room that drives me to the point of insanity!) and I turn them into mountains. With the proper perspective I know that all those things, although in the moment seem huge, are really very insignificant. Other times I feel that I am faced with real mountain-like trials... Everest of sorts. And even with the proper perspective they are huge. They are scary. They take every bit of courage, every ounce of strength, and faith.... though the size of a mustard seed, it's faith enough to carry me.

The last post I did before I took my blogging sabbatical was a quote about pioneers. Although at the time I didn't understand how significant it would soon be, I have read and reread it many times. I feel that I have reached the "top of one summit in life...only to see more mountain peaks ahead, higher and more challenging than the one we have just traversed."

I recently heard this song by Hilary Weeks and it says so perfectly.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbing,
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray He'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know,
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view
And now that I'm here I would never trade...


The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.


I used to pray He'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.



Isn't that what is great about trials? They really do make us stronger if we keep going...if we keep climbing. By nature I am quite a lazy person. I prefer the ground and the easiest way from point A to point B. Thanks to a father who likes spending time in the great outdoors, I have been on many a mountain in my lifetime where I have stopped along the way and wondered why I was still going up. It seemed pointless and stupid. I had a bad attitude. I was tired. I was aching from the strain. But I knew that quitting wasn't an option. So I continued on. Huffing and puffing. Creeping along at a snail's pace. At times literally pulling myself up by branches, rocks, whatever I could find to aid my quest to reach the top. And you know, as well as I do, that at the top it really is worth it. The view is incredible. The feeling of overcoming something difficult is truly awesome.

I don't want to relive past trials, but I'm grateful for them. They have made me who I am today. They have given me the strength necessary to continue to climb these mountains that are bigger than the ones before. And what's even better is the feeling that Heaven is so close. There is something about being in a trial that knocks your legs out from under you...it brings you to your knees. And it's on my knees that I feel the strength, peace, hope, and love necessary to keep climbing. Because quitting is still not an option.

What's Up, Taylee?

Oh, sweet baby Taylee! She is our pretty princess, our angel baby, mommy's little miracle.This picture was taken right after a bath the end of August. She is now loosing some of her super-chub, but she still has great cheeks! Her hair has some curl in it when it is wet and it is so stinkin cute!On September 1st, Little Miss turned two months old! Here she is all ready to go to see the doctor. She wasn't this happy after she got all those shots. She was miserable all day! I felt so bad for her :( At two months she was 13 pounds 3 ounces (95%) 23 inches long (75%).Taylee enjoyed her first U of U football game...well, kind of. She mostly just chilled in her cute Utes gear. The game itself wasn't super exciting. Poor Cougars.Another picture of sleeping beauty. So peaceful. She is getting super long eyelashes. Lucky girl! This picture was taken in September before she developed her latest talent.... ...sucking her thumb and rubbing her hair! At first I was not too thrilled with this talent. How was I ever going to take her thumb away?!?!? And then she started sleeping 10 hours straight through the night (thank you, Ms. Thumb, for always being right where she can find you!) and I decided to count it as a blessing and not a curse. One day we'll figure out how to break the habit. For now, I'm enjoying all the sleep I'm getting!!!

The Sunday after General Conference Taylee received her name and blessing. Her name has a really special meaning and her blessing was as beautiful as she is! I can't say it enough, she is my angel and I feel so blessed to be her mom. Some babies cry during the blessing, not our little miss. She smiled through the entire thing! It may be that she LOVES being talked to, and having all those Priesthood holders looking at her while being blessed didn't hurt either, but I think she gets it. It was a very special blessing for a very special girl!

I really need to get a picture with a real Taylee smile. She smiles with her whole face and it just melts my heart! Her eyes are still really blue (crossing my fingers they stay that way!) just like her grandma, aunts, uncles, and great-grandma (the Taylor genes). That is one gene I wished I would have had passed on to me.

I'll do another post with more pictures of Taylee after I can get some of her in her dress on a day that isn't as busy as her blessing day!

Taylee is such a good baby. She eats great and sleeps even better! She is happy. She loves to coo and talk to us....and LOVES to be talked to. There is a light in her eyes that makes me want to be a better person. A more patient person. A more spiritual person. A person equal to the task of raising such a beautiful daughter of God.

What's Up, Ryker?

Ah, Ryker! Such a cute little stinker!! Ryker is at such a fun age. I really love 3!! He doesn't have all the milestones that Jaxon has reached but hopefully one of these days (one of these days soon!) we'll be posting about him being potty trained. Not today. He knows what he wants and he's not one to be persuaded to do anything that is not his on his agenda.

One day while we were cleaning up dinner, Ryker was standing on the step stool and lost his footing. He fell a whopping 12-24 inches but landed just right and split his chin open. He had his first adventure having stitches put in on the kitchen counter. It was traumatic, but it all ended up being fine in the end.

Ryker loved his first helicopter ride at Peach Days. I personally thought he was way too young, but he continues to have very few fears and didn't seem bothered at all. He points out helicopters when we see them flying over head. He calls them copter-planes :)

He also enjoy playing in Great Grandma and Grandpa Jensen's irrigation water at Peach Days.

Little People, games, super heros, ninja turtles, fighting bad guys....this kid loves to play! We've certainly missed having Jaxon around all day. Ryker is a lot like Jaxon in the fact that he plays so well. He can play all by himself and be completely happy and entertained and he also plays well with others. The first month or so that Jaxon was in school he would say periodically throughout the day "Jaxon at school? Lets go get him now." He loves his brother.

He also loves his sister, she just doesn't play "bad guys" like he would like. Ryker loves to talk to her and look at her and prefers when someone else is holding Taylee so that we can hold Ryker. He thinks he still needs to be held a lot of the time. And because I don't have the energy to play battle of wits with him, I usually give in and am often times seen carrying not only Taylee in her carseat, but also Ryker. It needs to stop before I break my back!

He says cute things like "Mom, can I wear my piggies?" Which translates into meaning he wants to go barefoot. He says "Where is him?" when he is looking for someone or something. He calls anyone wearing a cowboy hat a Hee-haw guy. He loves to give hugs and kisses and gets super excited when either Brian or I come home after being gone to meetings or whatnot. He has the cutest little voice and language and I am really going to miss this stage. He's growing up more and more each day! He is still our little Ryker Bean and brings so much excitement into our lives!

He also loves to tell knock-knock jokes. He'll say "Let's play the knock-knock game!" Only problem is that he tells the same knock-knock joke (with slight variations from time to time) over and over again.

Knock-knock?

Who's there?

Echo.

Echo who?

Echo 5!

And then he laughs and laughs. And so do we. Because let's face it, I still think it is so funny!

What's Up, Jaxon?

Way back in August, Jax celebrated his 7th birthday! It's been an amazing (and amazingly fast) 7 years. When I think that in 7 more years he'll be 14 and then 7 years more he'll be 21, it makes me feel....we won't think about that. I'm happy for today that he's only 7 and for the 7 wonderful years we've had with him.

This year was the first year we've done a birthday party with friends. He's never really said much about it and I didn't have a clue as to how to throw a birthday party. But this year we decided to do it. He invited a few friends from school, the ward, and his cousin and we went to the Classic Fun Center.

One of the highlights for me was listening to the 7 of them talk to each other on the way to the Fun Center. It was hilarious! Kids are so awesome! It made me miss being in the classroom :) The other definite highlight was watching Jaxon be so completely happy. He had a great time and it made it all worth it.

For dinner we went to Applebee's (that is where he wants to go every year!) and then came home and opened presents as a family. It was a great day! Another huge milestone for Jaxon has been starting 1st grade and going to school all day. He loves his teacher (so do I) and is doing so well. There is a ton of homework every single night, I honestly don't know how families with lots of kids do it, but it is pushing him and he is doing awesome! I guess it's not a ton...but it takes a while. He has a math page and then 3 separate reading things. Luckily the little books are a breeze and don't take anytime at all. The other 2 are easy, but they just take a bit of time.

I thought he would love to eat school lunch, but after the first week he said he only wanted to bring home lunches. Just fine with me! The real reason for wanting to eat home lunch has nothing to do with my awesome PB&J sandwiches, but everything to do with recess. Since his last name starts with a V he is at the end of the lunch line. Home lunch means he can sit down and eat as soon as he get in the cafeteria and doesn't have to wait in line.

I write him a little note everyday and put it in his lunchbox. I didn't think he even cared much about it until I forgot one day. He has since told me that a little girl in his class has to sit by him everyday at lunch so that she can read his note. It's become kind of a big deal, and I'm glad he enjoys them. I really enjoy leaving them for him!We started our Peach Days celebration with a helicopter ride again this year. We didn't know how Jaxon would feel about it since last year it was so traumatic. When we asked him if he wanted to do it again he said "What's Peach Days without a helicopter ride?" It made Brian's heart smile! This year Ryker went in my place and I stayed on the ground with Taylee.

Jaxon and I went to see Mary Poppins in September. We had a great time and the show was fantastic! I loved watching Jaxon watch the show. It was so magical and he was in awe!! Beauty and the Beast is coming in February and I'm excited to take him again.

Jaxon continues to be a great helper with Ryker and Taylee. He has been super emotional since school started and has days that are full of pouting and whining. He has been so tired with school all day and soccer practice and homework at night that I have to attribute some of it to that. Hopefully it's just a phase and he'll snap out of it soon....for all our sakes! All in all he is still a wonderful kid and tries really hard to do the right thing.

All Is Well

"Life isn't always easy. At some point in our journey we may feel much as the pioneers did as they crossed Iowa-up to our knees in mud, forced to bury some of our dreams along the way. We all face rocky ridges, with the wind in our face and winter coming on too soon. Sometimes it seems as though there is no end to the dust that stings our eyes and clouds are vision. Sharp edges of despair and discouragement jut out of the terrain to slow our passage.

'...Occasionally we reach the top of one summit in life, as the pioneers did, only to see more mountain peaks ahead, higher and more challenging than the one we have just traversed. Tapping unseen reservoirs of faith and endurance, we, as did our forbears, inch ever forward toward that day when our voices can join with those of all pioneers who have endured in faith, singing, "All is well! All is well!"

'We are inheritors of a tremendous heritage. Now it is our privilege and responsibility to be part of the Restoration's continuing drama, and there are great and heroic stories of faith to be written in our day. It will require every bit of our strength, wisdom, and energy to overcome the obstacles that will confront us. But even that will not be enough. We will learn, as did our pioneer ancestors, that it is only in faith-real faith, whole-souled, tested and tried- that we will find safety and confidence as we walk our own perilous pathways through life."

M.Russell Ballard

Conference Report. April 1997

3 Weeks

Little Miss at 3 weeks old

Here is her growth progress so far:

Birth weight: 7 pounds

Weight leaving hospital: 6 pounds 9 ounces

5 days old: 6 pounds 15.5 ounces

17 days old (2 week appt): 8 pounds 11 ounces

Yep, she's an eater! The first couple of days home she thought she needed to eat every hour to hour and a half. Then it was every two hours...on the dot! The last day or two she has stretched her feedings out to every 3 hours.

She's also grown 2 inches since birth. Right now she's 95th percentile in height and 75th in weight and head circumference. She's following in Jaxon's footsteps.

Some how Ryker got some very recessive genes in the weight/growth department.

My Saving Grace

This kid rocks. Really rocks. Not only does Jaxon adore his little sister, but he takes good care of her too. He is her guardian from the other older brother who at times misses the memo on what not to do with a newborn....like jumping on the bed the baby is laying on :) He has been my right-hand man in everything. There were a couple of mornings where I physically thought it was impossible to open my eyes let alone get up and make them breakfast. He very happily got cereal ready for Ryker and himself, said prayer on the food helped Ryker out of his booster, and then cleaned up Ryker and the table when they were done.

He will even change Ryker's diaper (only the wet ones) and help him get dressed when I am busy feeding Taylee and Ryker won't wait.

He came pre-wired on how to be the oldest and it's a good thing because I didn't get the owner's manual when I became a mom.

Christmas In July

July 3rd
We were going through some boxes of baby things the day we brought Taylee home from the hospital to see what we could still use for her. Ryker found a pair of mittens and ran to his room. He came out wearing his snow boots and said he wanted to go outside to build a snowman. I told him there wasn't any snow so he couldn't build a snow man. That didn't seem to matter. He wanted to build a snowman right now. I told him he could when it snowed. He went to the window, turned to me and said "Sunshine day?" Yes, it was a sunshine day. There was no snow to build a snowman. He then said "Snow fall down?" Yes, when the snow falls down you can build a snowman. He watched out the window for a few more seconds and then said "I'll wait."

For days he was attached to those snow boots. He would take off his shoes and socks and replace them with his snow boots. We eventually had to put the boots out of his reach. He's pretty determined and typically wants the opposite of what we suggest. When it snows he'll probably want his swim suit.

This and That

Miss Taylee, the day after we brought her home, being festive on the 4th of July. Girl clothes are so stinking cute! It's a good thing I'm not a big shopper or we could be in serious trouble! Taylee meeting her great-grandparents for the first time. Here she is with Brian's grandma, Grandma Jensen.
And here she is with his grandpa. He's turning 94 (or is it 93?) next month.
Taylee's umbilical chord fell off when she was 9 days old. Yea for getting a real bath!! She LOVES the bath! Sometimes she'll squawk when she first gets in the water but shortly after she goes to her zen place and just chills in the water.

The first bath was a big deal and the boys had to have a front row seat. They pretty much need a front row seat to everything she does. They think she's neat stuff. It's easy to see why :)

Taylee Hope

For some reason, which is completely unknown to me, this is a difficult post to write. The entire pregnancy with this little princess had been a unique experience. It was an emotional journey. It brought me closer to my family, to my Heavenly Father, taught me a lot about myself, and created a bond between Taylee and I that I hope will sustain us through the difficult teenage years! My initial intentions were to share the entire experience on the blog, mostly because so many were involved in helping get her here safely, but I can't do that. There are some things that are just too special to share. There is something about this sweet little girl that I can't put into words and to try would be to fail miserably.

Here is the very plain, and probably boring, story of her birth.Last pregnancy picture taken right before we left for the hospital. 38 weeks and 1 day!

We got checked in to the hospital at 8 in the morning. I was considered a high-risk delivery because of the VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and the cerclage. Since that was the case my nurse and doctor were there solely for me. I didn't have to share them with any other patients! I was also the only induction that day. All the others had been canceled because there were so many babies (12 total by the end of the day), they wouldn't send us home since ours was a medical induction.

My doctor came in around 8:45 and removed the cerclage. I had heard so many terrifying stories about this and was prepared for serious pain. Boy, was I pleasantly surprised! Seriously, no pain!! As soon as my stitch was removed I was dilated to 3cm. My doc checked me again 30 minutes later and I was dilated to 5 cm.

The epidural was ordered (even if I wanted to go natural...which I didn't...because of the situation it wasn't an option) and lucky for us, the amazing Rock was on epidural duty that day. I had heard he was the best and he didn't disappoint. I had control of my legs the entire time and I could walk very shortly after delivery. The only downside to the epidural was the itchy sensation I had and how tired it made me.

I was given a lot of IV fluid and some pitocin to keep things moving. Both of these fluids, along with 4 months of being off my feet, is what I blame my insanely swollen feet and ankles on. For days after delivery I suffered from puffy appendages.I couldn't seem to keep myself awake, so I took a few little cat naps while we waited for the big moment. It didn't take too long before I was completely dilated and ready to deliver. The whole process from stitch removal to her being born was 6 hours.I'd never had any desire to actually watch a baby be born, but when my doc asked if I wanted a mirror to watch, and I knew this would most likely be the last of our children, I said yes. I'm certainly glad I did. It was pretty incredible.

It took 4 contractions....2 if I had had more strength, and 3 if we all didn't stop for a good laugh. Laughter is definitely good medicine, but it doesn't help birth a baby :)

In the above picture, Brian is getting ready to cut the umbilical cord. Jaxon's cord had to be cut before he was delivered (it was wrapped around his neck) and Ryker was a c-section, so Brian didn't get the chance with either one. He looks pretty excited, don't you think?

Here she is! At this point her name was still undecided :) She came out showing off a good set of pipes. We were all making guess at how big she was. No one was prepared for a 7 pounder! Her official weight was 6 pounds 15.6 ounces....rounding up makes it an even 7 lbs.

We meet in person at last! This delivery was one of the sweetest and most spiritual experiences of my life. She is beyond precious.Look at all that hair! One of the highlights for me was to see that she had so much dark hair!! I haven't pull out all the baby pictures of Brian, me, and the boys, but it's pretty safe to say that she got my hair. Lucky for her, she also got Brian's eyelashes. Seriously! It is so soft!! I'm afraid I'm going to rub it all off with as much as I rub her head.

Brian and sweet baby Taylee. At this point I'm pretty sure I had agreed to name her Taylee. That could explain Brian's grin?!? Or, it's probably because he's one proud daddy. He's already making plans to move to Montana where he will build a large fortress to keep her locked up. Don't worry, I'm sure it will also include a helipad :)Three handsome men and a pretty little lady. Yep. I'm officially the luckiest girl in the world.

I shouldn't post this picture mostly because it's not the most flattering (at all!) of either me or my doc, but he's been a big part of our lives. I don't know many docs that make phone calls to their patients to check up on them. He has been such a great provider for us. I remember when we had Jaxon I asked him if he wanted to move in with us. I was a little bit serious, too. He's been such an amazing support over the last 7 years and helped deliver our 3 beautiful children. Besides all that, he took an entire day to be with just me, Brian, and our baby. Not many would do that.

I can't say enough how grateful I am for modern medicine. Without it I don't think we would have any of our children. Each of our kids has struggled getting here. Each of them have needed something that the pioneers certainly didn't have. Some women are built for having babies...I'm not one of them.

She's here and we're so very happy!

Inside Out, Upside Down

Shortly after I was put on bed rest I found a bed rest support group on a high-risk pregnancy website http://www.keepemcookin.com/ A few weeks ago one of the members posted a topic with the title "I'm not dead, I'm just on the couch." It was funny for a second, and then the reality of that statement hit me...and it hit me hard. There have been times through this process when I have felt very much dead..at least dead to the world.

March and April were pretty good. Friends, family, and neighbors would come visit. They would call and send emails. I felt a lot of support and love. A neighbor was having a bridal shower for her daughter. She offered to have the shower at our house so that I could be a part of it. Unfortunately, it was the same day as Ryker's 3rd birthday. It was such a sweet and unexpected gesture, but it made me feel included. It made me feel alive. Gone, but definitely not forgotten.

On May 3rd I was admitted into the hospital again and everything changed. I had more visitors during my 3 day hospital stay in March than I did in the 14 days I was in the hospital in May...and I only had 3 non-family visits in March. I had a couple of phone calls, but not very many. I knew that every day I could count on seeing Brian and a visit from my doctor, and talking to my sweet boys. Those were the only guarantees. This is when I began to really struggle emotionally. Not only was I away from my family and home, but I felt very alone. I felt very forgotten.

June came and now school was out. Everyone was busy doing things with their families and busy with life in general. Routines that once were had now been altered. To make it easier on those helping with the boys, Ryker and Jaxon would spend the entire day somewhere else. They would leave around 9:30 in the morning and Brian would pick them up on his way home from work, usually around 6. It was during May-June that the lyrics from Celine Dion's All By Myself would run through my head as I cried almost daily."All by myself. Don't wanna be, all by myself anymore".

Every Sunday when Brian comes home from church, or after he's been to a family function, he tells me "So and so said to tell you hi." or "So and so said to tell you they're thinking of you". And it's started to make me think about the so often used phrase "It's the thought that counts", because really, as nice as thoughts are, they certainly don't ease the feeling of loneliness when you're all alone for hours on end day after day after day. I appreciate the thoughts and the sentiments, and I know they have helped, but what's really helped me through is the actual contact...a visit, phone call, or email.

In the beginning I was told by ward leaders that many people had asked what they could do for me. Many offered to watch the boys, so many have brought meals in, some wanted to go grocery shopping, while others offered to help with housework. We felt strongly that the boys should be in comfortable/familiar homes to help with the new chaos in our lives. A few meals come in weekly by so many generous ward members and have helped ease Brian's load. My response to the ward leaders who asked what other's could do for me was usually the same...Please tell them that they can come visit me. While my family and I needed physical help is so many ways, what I needed the most was company.

One ward member often offered very specific help in an area that was really so much easier for Brian to do himself. We appreciated the offer. We just didn't need help with that. What was hard for me was when I heard that this sister said in Relief Society that I wouldn't let her help me. And I thought, why doesn't she come over and say hello? This was in April and I hadn't seen her once since I had been down. Hadn't I said time and time again that what I needed the most was contact? It felt like an all or nothing deal. If I can't do this one thing that I want to do for you, then I won't do anything at all.

It reminds me of the story of Naaman who is told to wash in the river Jordan and his leprosy would be healed. At first he is angry at the idea of washing in a filthy river...he wanted a grand experience, but when his servant says "My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?" he obeys, washes in the river Jordan, and is healed.

A couple of weeks ago I was really struggling and crying to Brian about how alone I felt. He was very sympathetic and during our conversation asked if I had asked anyone to come over or called to talk to one of my friends. At first I was upset over this. I was so tired of asking for help. I didn't want to burden anyone. I didn't want a visit out of pity. I wanted people to visit/call because they wanted to, because they knew I was alone and needed company and not because I asked them to.

The next day, however, I picked up the phone and I made a few phone calls. And when the other person inevitably said "Sorry I haven't been by to see you more" I didn't give my usual "It's okay, life is busy" response. Instead I told them that I would love to see them. I encouraged contact. I didn't brush it off like I was okay without a visit, that I was doing fine, and I didn't want to burden them. I needed to be the one that opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I wasn't okay. I was lonely and I needed to see people. How can any of us expect help from others when we don't tell them what we need?

To me it feels like the novelty of our situation has worn off. So many that were eager to help/visit in the beginning haven't been seen or heard from for a very, very long time. And while it's just another update and we're in the same position as we were in March, what I don't think many realize is that I am still here and all those things I needed in the beginning I still needed in June.

I've learned a lot during these past 4 months. Kind gestures make a greater impact than kind thoughts. Most people, myself included, will not usually act on an open invitation to "Call if you need anything"....even though I have been forced to do just that on multiple occasions. I didn't want to ask anyone to vacuum for me, but a few times when a friend would say "Can I vacuum for you?" I gladly accepted the offer. No one likes feeling like a burden, and it's hard for almost everyone to ask for help. I appreciated those that saw a need and took care of it.

I remember years ago my mom telling me that sometimes we are blessed with less than pleasant experiences to help us understand how NOT to treat others. Sometimes feeling left out will help us be more aware of including others.

I have a deeper love and appreciation for those friends who have been consistent, who've acted on the thoughts, and who were here for me long before I was on bed rest, who've been my support during these past 4 months, and who I know will still be constant long after I've returned to normal life.

My mom has been here almost every single morning getting us breakfast, doing a little housework, getting the boys ready, taking care of me and keeping me company. She calls to check up on me throughout the day. She takes me to my doctor appointments. She watches the boys multiple times a week. She doesn't wait for me to ask for help, she just does it. We never grow out of needing a mom, and I have needed and depended on her so much. I don't know who is going to miss having her come over every morning more ...me, the boys, or her!

I am so thankful for those that have made me feel alive and included. Those that not only bring me lunch, but stay to visit and eat with me. For family being willing to gather at our house so I can be included.

We all have trials, I know I've had my share, but this is my first real physical trial. In prior times of difficulty there was usually a way to divert my attention from my situation. Going for a drive through the canyon, visiting family or friends, taking a walk, being busy with anything at all helps keep the mind off of the trial, even for just a moment... it's an escape. My escape is often inside my mind...and we all know how scary that can be!!

The doc that takes part in the bed rest forum recently wrote an article in the Huffington Post about bed rest he said:
"My patient, six months pregnant, came to see me for an ultrasound. I diagnosed her with shortening of her cervix, which put her at significant risk of preterm delivery. Three months before her due date, with her fetus' chance of survival outside her womb dismal, this was reason for concern.
I laid out the risks, I prescribed progesterone and I recommended bed rest. "Do you mean I have to stay in bed all day?" this active mother of a two-year-old asked incredulously?
I explained bed rest: reclining on a couch or in bed except for trips to the bathroom and a brief daily shower.
"Can I lift my son?"
"It's not recommended," I said, wincing as I gave her more bad news.
"Can I prepare a meal?"
"It would be better if your husband did it," I explained.
"What about my job?" she asked with eyes wide. She managed a garden store and spent a lot of time walking and lifting.
"Can you take a leave of absence?"
And then my patient left -- her life turned upside down -- with a little appointment card clutched in her hand reminding her to come back in two weeks so that I could measure her cervix again.
My patient left with the facts, a prescription and instructions for bed rest that we hoped might prolong her pregnancy. What she didn't receive was advice about how to handle the fear and anxiety associated with the news that any day she could deliver a premature newborn who might have difficulty breathing, neurologic impairment or blindness. And she didn't get tips on how to handle the loneliness, isolation and guilt that accompany the transition from active employee, parent and spouse to long-term couch potato." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adam-wolfberg-md/bed-rest-pregnancy_b_870629.html

The last paragraph sums it all up. Fear. Anxiety. Loneliness. Isolation. Guilt.

It's been a long journey. Longer when I think about all that has happened while I've been in bed. March. April. May. June. Brian's birthday, my birthday, Ryker's birthday. Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day. Spring break. End of school. Spring soccer. Baseball.

And yet, knowing what I know now, even with as hard as it's been, even with knowing how lonely, isolated, and forgotten I have felt, I would do it again. I have been able to walk a mile in many shoes. Lonely shoes, housebound shoes, shoes filled by people who are afraid of the unknown.

Knowing what I know now, I pray that I won't forget this experience. I want this trial, like all the others in my life, to shape me into being who I can become. I want it to change how I treat others, that I can be more aware and sympathetic to their needs. I hope I can say in the end that I have been changed for the better, that I have been changed for good.

Take Me Out

To The Ball Game!!

Yesterday I went to my last doctor appointment. We talked about what to expect next week, what time to be there, how it would all go down, etc. When the doc and I walked out of the room into the hallway, his nurse was standing by my wheelchair and said that she would take me out to my mom in the waiting room. My lovely doc waved his hand and said "You can walk out today." What!?! Are you serious? I was so excited!!

Sounds so stupid to be so excited over walking, but I have never felt comfortable being pushed around in a wheelchair. While I was in this state of euphoria I blurted out "Would you be okay with me going to my son's baseball game tonight?" My doc smiled and said "Hope he hits a homerun! Have fun!!" At which point I exclaimed "Seriously? I love you!"

They all got a good laugh at the ridiculous, and ridiculously huge, pregnant lady slightly freaking out over the possibility of actually venturing out into the real world. I told my doc as I was leaving that Brian may have to call him to verify that he did truly give me permission to go.

Brian was pretty nervous about the whole ordeal, even contemplated inviting the paramedics along just in case, but he was happy that Jaxon and I were so excited for me to go so it balanced out okay in the end.

It was Jaxon's last game of the season. In all the excitement of leaving my couch, I didn't think to grab the camera. Luckily one of our sweet friends took some pictures of Jaxon for me.

He looked so cute in his uniform and in all the catcher's gear!

It was so nice to be out of the house, around people, and actually being involved in a family activity! I didn't go into labor, phew!, but I was in a bit of pain last night. I'll stay down until the big day, I haven't been given the 100% go ahead, and we've come so far that we don't want to throw all our hard work out the window.

Happy Father's Day

I don't know if it's church-wide, but I remember as a youth playing volleyball in Young Women's and when a beehive (or anyone for that matter) didn't hit the ball over the net on their turn serving, everyone yelled "Beehive serve!"...which meant they got a do-over.

Bed rest has pretty much meant a flop for both Brian's birthday and now Father's Day. I told Brian that this year we're going to celebrate both his half birthday and half Father's Day. I think it's only fair that he gets a real celebration and I get a do-over!

Like every Sunday, he got the boys ready for church while I slept. After church he made dinner and cleaned up all while I laid on the couch. After a well deserved nap, he took the boys on a walk to deliver dishes/thank you notes.

Even with all the work, we still tried to make it a nice day for him.
Ryker and Jaxon both made little cards for Brian in church today. You can see Ryker beaming with pride as Brian looks at his card after church. Ryker was so proud of his hand!

I helped the boys make little cards for Brian. The front hand says "I love you..." and when you open it up the accordion part between hands says "THIS MUCH!"

As luck would have it, I had purchased this book for Father's Day last year and had forgotten to give it to Brian. The only thing the boys like better than reading stories is having their daddy read the stories to them!

Brian bought himself a rifle for Father's Day. He doesn't look too thrilled in the picture, but believe me, he is! He's wanted a gun for a long time now and it's not something I could have picked out myself anyway, so I guess it worked out.

These boys are so lucky to have such an amazing dad. It's not been a stretch by any means for Brian to take over as the full-time parent. He's always been so involved in every aspect of their lives. He does everything from changing diapers, getting up in the night with them, taking them on walks, making fun meals, wrestling nightly, to planning FHE and reading scriptures. He does it all and he does it all with a smile. He is their hero!

We love you, Brian. Happy Father's Day!