Reality Check

I had this idea, this hope, this grand plan deep down inside me that bed rest would be temporary. After a few weeks, I would go to the doctor again and then, VOILA!, miraculously everything would be back as it should be and I could resume my normal everyday life. I'm sure it was this unfounded wishful thinking that was the cause of my despair after my appointment with the high-risk doc. I was down-right depressed. Bawling. All day. It was not pretty. I'm glad you didn't see it.

The last time they checked my cervix I had improved significantly. I had gone from 0 cm (no cervix) to 2 cm (a very short cervix). This is what had given me hope that over time things would continue to improve and I would be well on my way.

On Tuesday he checked me again. I had gone from 2 cm to 1.6 cm. Not a drastic change...but it was a change in the wrong direction.

Wait a minute. I'm sure most of you don't do some sort of google search containing the word cervix on a daily basis like me :) After all, why would any half-way sane person be so obsessed?!?! I'll take a second and educate you...

The length of the cervix is expected to shorten as a pregnancy progresses, but a length of 3.0 cm to 3.5 cm isn't expected until 32 to 36 weeks:
At 16 to 20 weeks, normal cervical length is 4.0 to 4.5 cm
At 24 to 28 weeks, normal cervical length is 3.5 to 4.0 cm
At 32 to 36 weeks, normal cervical length is 3.0 to 3.5 cm
Source: FamilyPracticeNotebook.com

Recap: My cervix is 1.6 cm and not any where near where it should be for 24 weeks.

So, what does that mean? Well, it means that I am getting my first steroid shot tonight when Brian gets home. Getting and giving shots from the one you love is such a bonding experience!! This steroid (wait...want to be impressed? I can even tell you what it is without looking: Celestone Solsupan Betamethasone...give or take few letters. Seriously, this has become my life!) Back to the steroid: This steroid is a one time (two shots in 24 hrs) thing. I was under the impression that you get the shot and then the baby's lungs are great until delivery. Not so. The reality of it is that the steroid is most effective if given 2 weeks before delivery. Say what? Yeah. That's right. It works for 2 weeks. So, why, oh why am I getting this shot at 24 weeks? I guess you could say that good 'ol baby doc doesn't have a ton of confidence in my cervix. In his words he said my cervix is "fragile" and his advise was to "stay down and pray" for the remainder of my pregnancy. Now do you see why I was such a mess on Tuesday? A wreck I tell you.

The next day I saw my OB and I told him how disappointed I was in the news I had heard from the high-risk doc. I needed the reality of the situation. So I asked him, realistically, what I could expect. He explained that, medically speaking, no significant changes in my cervix was a good thing. I shouldn't expect it to get any better than it is..so we want it to stay close to where it is now. It won't get better, and we don't want it to get much worse. That's the reality. I also asked him how long I could expect to carry Little Princess. He said that if I continue to do what I've been doing, and things stay as they are, I could expect to carry her full term. Wahoo!

As far as the steroid shots go, he also said that babies given the shots early on still seem to have an added benefit to those who don't receive them at all. If, by chance, I go into labor after 26 weeks, but before 32 weeks, they will give me a booster shot of steroids if there is time.

Reality: I will be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. I've already been down 3 weeks (I went in to the hospital on March 1st and have been down since), and made it to our first milestone of 24 weeks. In 4 more weeks I'll be 28 weeks. Another huge milestone. 4 weeks later will be 32 weeks...at which point the doc says I'm "golden!"...and every week after that will be an added bonus. 1 week in the womb is worth 2 in the NICU.

I will miss seeing Wicked with my friends. I've seen it before and I'm sure I'll have chances to see it again. A bit of a bummer, but not a big deal at all.

I will miss my brother-in-laws wedding. I'll just catch the next one....JUST KIDDING BRADY!!!! No, I am super-de-duper bummed about missing this event, and it is a huge deal, but what can I do? Nothing. So, I'll be happy to see the pictures and hear about the big day from those that are there.

Sometimes I think about all the things that I can't do and all the things I'm going to miss out on, but then I think about everything that I am doing for Little Princess and I wouldn't change a thing. After all, being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding, life changing calling ever. I really am the lucky one.

My new favorite scripture, and my new motto in life, which I want in HUGE vinyl lettering all over my house (okay, maybe not all over!) is found in the Doctrine and Covenants. It says:

"Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power,

and then may we stand still..."

So in my case I will cheerfully do as little as possible for as long as possible as I sit/lay still!!

22 weeks 4 days

"Mama said there'd be days like this. There'd be days like this, my mama said."

They say it's raining outside....apparently it was a really nice day outside yesterday. Those are things I don't know much about any more. Sometimes it's hard to tell from where I lay/sit. I don't have any doctor appointments this week so I won't be venturing outside my house any time soon. Bummer. Who would have thought I would get so excited to drive to the hospital twice a week? :)

Good news: the pharmacy is filling all my progesterone shots for the rest of the pregnancy at the original price...about $50/month. I feel awful for those that will need it in the coming weeks. The money-grubbing-drug-makers have decided that it's going to now cost $1500/month. Really? Who can afford that? I feel so blessed to get it at the affordable price. A very serious tender mercy! Speaking of tender and mercy...Brian gets to give me the shot every Tuesday in the keister. Oh, mercy! My tooshie is so tender!!! Short term pain for a long term gain :)

Other good news: My doctor appointments went well last week. Things are looking better, not out of the woods yet, but doing better. I am to do "as little as possible for as long as possible". I see both doctors every other week. Next week I think they will be giving me the steroid shots to develop the lungs on Little Princess...just in case she doesn't follow the game plan and decides to come too early.

Bed rest, even in it's now semi-moderate form, really isn't all it's cracked up to be. As the perinatologist (the high-risk pregnancy doc) told me last week.... It's not so much the physical side of bed rest that is hard....it's more the mental and emotional side of things. And well, we all know the state of a normal pregnant brain, don't we?

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we are really truly having a girl! There is no doubt from the ultra-sound. Over and over and over again it was proof positive that this was not a boy baby.

So, even though I am fighting a mental and emotion battle...and I guess physical as well, I feel so blessed. I have the greatest family and such helpful and supportive friends. I wouldn't have made it this far without them and I know the next 17 weeks 2 days would be dreadful without knowing I have them to lean on.

Mama also says that I can do hard things...and she hasn't been wrong yet.

Positive and Pink

There's really no way I can adequately catch everyone up with what's been going on. So, if you don't know the whole story, and your life won't be complete without it, send me an email!

Here's what you might not know:

We're having a baby!

It's a GIRL baby!

We are due July 14th!

I was in the hospital last week after I started dilating and thinning at only 20 weeks.

I had a procedure called a cerclage done. It has been successful so far.

This has been my schedule since last Tuesday. Get up from bed. Go to bathroom. Walk to couch. Lay on couch. Sit up to eat. Lay on couch. Lay on couch. Roll over on couch. Walk to bathroom. Back to couch. Sit up to eat. Lay on couch. Lay on couch. Lay on couch. Lay on couch.

Are you sensing a pattern?

Since being released from the hospital I was put on bed rest with bathroom privileges. And oh, what a privilege it is! Better than a catheter, and it changes my scenery for a couple of minutes each day.

I've taken over Brian's laptop. From the couch I check/respond to email, talk on the phone, strongly encourage Jaxon to keep focusing on his homework :), and watch as friends and family clean my house, feed, clothe, play with, care for, and hold my boys. Despite what some may think, it's not a very fun vacation.

I'm not a prissy pregnant girl. You know, the kinds that can't even carry their purse when they're pregnant? I'm a power-through-it, take-no-prisoners, I-can-take-care-of-me-and-my-own kind of gal. Until now. Now I can't. And it's tough. Really tough.

I feel like I have lost all control over my life...and it's a scary thought. Last night I started to cry and Brian asked what was wrong. I feel so overwhelmed with everything I can't do. Who would have thought that could be possible? Overwhelmed with so little? Brian tenderly told me "All you have to worry about right now is going to sleep." Simple. It was just what I needed.

I can't worry about the big picture. All I can do is what I can do right now. And right now all I can do for this baby girl is give her a safe, warm place to grow.

Today after one of my trips from the couch to the bathroom I made my bed. I felt empowered! I felt in control! It's amazing how something so simple, can make a girl feel so happy! Don't you all go worrying now. I came straight back to the couch :) It's all going to be about baby steps, but I know I will feel better if I take back a little control of my life...in whatever form I can.

It's a very humbling experience to have people serve you. When I feel awkward I know that it is my pride. I don't know if it gets easier. I hope it does.

I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love my family. I am beyond grateful for a doctor that not only provides excellent care for me, but truly does care about me and my family. I know there is a purpose and a plan bigger than I can comprehend, and it is the plan that will give my life the most purpose. All designed by a loving Father who knows, loves, and cares for me unconditionally.

With every cramp and contraction I feel worried.

With every kick and somersault I feel hope.

And with every prayer I feel peace.