I have been to couples counseling with Brian a few times, but for the most part it's been just me. What once seemed like only something weak people did, I soon realized that these counselors really do give me valuable skills and strategies for dealing with life. Not just crisis, but life in general. I love watching the Matt Townsend segments on Studio 5. If you've ever seen them, I'm sure you've been able to relate with something he's talked about. Mostly he talks about strengthening relationships: marital, family, work...as well as tips on strengthening yourself.
I'm pretty sure I did or am still struggling with depression and have for a while. Since my hospitalization last May, possibly before, I think it's safe to say that I have cried almost every single day. Not sobbed daily. But shed tears. Many days it's just when I'm saying my prayers. There are days when I have little to no desire to do things. Without my children needing me there would be days when I am sure I would have stayed in bed...if not all day, at least for a really long time. I go through phases of wanting to avoid people and other times when I desperately need to be with others so I'm not alone with my depressing thoughts. I went through a period of reading like crazy and I think it's because I was avoiding dealing with things in my own life and chose, instead, to escape into someone else's life.
A few months ago I was sitting in the counselors office and we were talking about my need to tear down the walls I have built up around me. My fortress of safety, if you will. I have a really hard time letting people in. Creating really close friendships and opening up, really opening up, creates vulnerability...and vulnerability can lead to hurt. And, well, hurt is something I don't do very well. He shared with me this Cherokee Legend call Two Wolves and it changed me. Or rather, it's changing me.
Two Wolves
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy."It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
I have thought about this little story a lot over the past few months. It is so simple and yet, so profound. What we feed will grow and become stronger. Whether they be good or bad thoughts,feelings, habits, etc.
What the story of the wolves reminded me is that it's my choice. Keeping negative thoughts and worrying about the past and/or future will only make those negative thoughts and feelings stronger. By choosing happiness and hope, really trying to focus and see the good things in myself and others, I will strengthen those feelings.
There are still thoughts of worry and sadness, but they are now moments and I really try to no longer let them consume me. I have noticed that the negative feelings aren't as strong and don't come near as frequent as they had been.
I had the opportunity to attend BYU Women's Conference this year and it was amazing. One of the speakers shared a letter written by her aunt (I think) and it contained the phrase "Choose Joy". It's become my new motto, going right along with the wolves.
It's my choice.
I'm choosing joy.
