Who I Am

I've deleted the last post. As I reread it I realized how negative it was. I don't want to be a negative person...even if in the moment I was feeling that way. So, I'm going to try this again.

In sophomore choir we sang a song from the musical Jekyll and Hyde. It's stuck with me all these years partly because it had a very pretty melody and partly because it fit with me. The song is "No One Knows Who I Am". The title said it all. I felt like a sham. I didn't know who I was, where I fit in, and I lacked the confidence that so many others seemed to possess. I wanted to be who others thought I was, who I believed I could be, but who I felt far from at times.

It was during my high school years that I started on the track of knowing who I was, a track that I believe may actually last a lifetime. I felt like I was my real self in seminary, the me that I really wanted to be, the place where I felt confident and I could be myself. It's where I developed my testimony.

Life throws all sorts of twists and turns along our paths, and many of my trials have shaken my confidence...I feel my weaknesses float to the top and my strengths sink to the bottom and I doubt nearly everything about myself. I have the awful habit of feeling like I own the corner lot on trials. Sometimes I just don't want to be strong. Sometimes I just want the trials to go away. Let me be weak. Let me cry. And a lot of the time I am just that...a weak cry baby.

Through a series of events I was led to some online workshops by Matt Townsend. I have currently lost focus on everything I learned in these workshops, but last night the Spirit brought them back to the forefront of my mind. The workshops were called Ego vs Essence. Though not taught in a religious setting, the spirit confirmed the truth of what was taught. Ego = Natural Man; Essence = Spirit/Divine Self. The battle between being our true selves and being natural is ongoing.

Who am I?

My  true identity is not defined by my children, spouse, home, job, outward appearance, abilities or inabilities. It is not based on education, titles, money, or talents. It is not defined by the choices, successes or failures of my children, myself, or my spouse.

Remember Job? I think of him when I think of this. If I lost everything...absolutely everyone and everything in my life, who would I be? Am I basing my happiness on others and their choices? Am I basing my hope and peace in life on reaching earthly milestones?

My identity should only be driven from my essence...my true self, my divinity.

Who I am:

I am a daughter of the most high God, who loves me (and knows who I really am)

And I love Him.

When I know who I am I am able to see more clearly who others really are. Not by their positions or possessions. And not by their choices or behaviors. When I remember this and then live it, my attitudes and actions are driven out of my essence.

I am a daughter of God, serving sons and daughters of God.